I'm a big supporter of the "Lean In" movement. Not because I'm going to business school and not because I one day hope to run my own company, but because two and a half years ago at the age of twenty three I made a decision to "lean out".
Anyone who reads that statement and remotely knows me is probably confused. I am after all by any and all defined measures a successful, driven and ambitious young woman. I'm a twenty-six-year-old, living in New York City and working at a $50 billion dollar media company. Aren't I living the dream?
Maybe. Truth be told, I'm confident I'm living someone's dream, but I don't think that this was ever really my dream. I'm very grateful to have landed where I am today, when in fact the driving force behind some of my decisions was believing that I had to choose between a career and a life -- that I couldn't have both.
I entered my analyst program in 2008, only to have Lehman Brothers collapse right under my feet. I was the only new analyst to the firm entering my group, and I was certain that when the imminent layoffs happened I would be the first to go. And so for the next two years, I worked my ass off everyday to keep my job. I adopted a first-one-in, last-one-out work ethic and the word "no" entirely left my vocabulary. In all fairness, I was rewarded for it. I was ranked top-tier. In fact, I was one of a handful of analysts in a class of 150+ to be ranked "A+" -- a distinction most analysts didn't even know existed. But like Sheryl Sandberg and so many other women, I was silent on my accomplishments. In part because I doubted my own capabilities, crediting my own ranking to luck, and in part because I knew I would never be liked again if I ever shared my success. And so I never told anyone except my family and my then boyfriend. (That is until today.)
So, I was excelling and being rewarded from my performance. Why'd I leave? After two years in investment banking I discovered that #1 I was pretty good at it, but #2 I couldn't stay in it. While I could see a blossoming career in the field, I could not see a life there. I looked around me at the one female VP and one female MD in my group, (2 senior women in group of 75+ people). The VP was married, but didn't have any children and was still scrapping to move up -- hanging around the office late night and fighting for every project. Meanwhile, my MD was engaged, but encroaching 40 without any signs of a change in her lifestyle. No judgement to them, but that was not the lifestyle I wanted for myself in 5-10 years. And frankly, I doubted myself. I didn't think I could make it to where they were without sacrificing the rest of my life. Aside from my then boyfriend, I'd barely seen the rest of my friends in two years. So I made the conscious decision to leave my potential career in search of something more "lifestyle friendly".
I've now spent the last two and half years in corporate development at a major media company. I am immensely grateful for my experience and truthfully I don't regret my decision to leave investment banking. I'm happy with where I am today, and I made the best decision I could for me at the time. But when I look at my ex-colleagues, mostly males who have stayed in finance and now my make 2x-3x my salary I can't help but wonder, "What if I stayed? What if?" Unfortunately, that's a what if that I now have to live with forever because I made a conscious decision to lean out. I left my career out of fear -- fear that I wouldn't succeed, fear that I'd never be good enough, either at work or at home. That's a "what if" most men never have to lie awake and think about because they never feel that pressure to choose between life or career. That's a barrier that I imposed upon myself and a limit I hope I never have to wonder again.
And so I reiterate to people who question the lean in movement or ask why I support it -- it's personal. I lived it.
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